


Bowline

by RMarie124



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluffy-ish ending?, Michael works through her feelings, Reference to the Mirror Universe, Tilly is a wonderful friend, idk about that one though, not really canon compliant?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22747297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RMarie124/pseuds/RMarie124
Summary: “How do you love someone that holds the essence of someone you hate with all of your being?”Michael tries to work through her complicated feelings about Ash post mirror-universe. She is unsure of how to handle them at first, but as time moves on, she reconciles the way she feels about him.
Relationships: Michael Burnham & Sylvia Tilly, Michael Burnham/Ash Tyler | Voq
Kudos: 15





	Bowline

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to explore Michael's journey through her feelings about Ash in a more angsty and less steamy version than the last one I wrote. The moments immediately following their return to their prime universe seemed like the ones where Michael would break as soon as she felt it safe to do so, and I finally felt comfortable enough with her character to explore that. 
> 
> The ending is still kind of sweet though, because I want them to be at least a little bit happy for once, dammit.

_One foot in front of the other._

Michael repeated the mantra over and over in her head as she walked carefully, purposefully, back to her and Tilly’s quarters on _Discovery_. She had just returned from the _ISS Shenzhou_ , and subsequently the mirror universe. She was worn out to her very core, and wasn’t sure any amount of rest would ever be enough to compensate. 

Her neck still ached with the bruises that Ash—no, Voq—had left. 

She could feel herself falling apart, slowly but surely. Her body was coming down from a mode of high alert, demanding rest, but she couldn’t give herself that yet. Not until she was in her room. Not until the damned Terran uniform was gone forever and she could wear the old pajamas she was used to that made her feel comfortable and safe.

_One foot in front of the other._

Everything felt like it was too much. The voices of people passing her in the hallway were too loud, the lights were too bright, and the air was almost too clean. She needed silence or she was going to break. Michael knew she could be practicing meditation techniques to keep her calm but she did not want to suppress what she was feeling, she wanted to let it out. 

Her collar was too tight, and it aggravated the skin around her neck, a subtle press into the bruises at her neck. It was all too much. It was all too—

Mercifully she arrived at her and Tilly’s room. She practically punched in the entry code, and within seconds of entering, she was ripping her uniform off. Tearing at it as if it was burning her skin, as if it was burning all of her up from the inside out. She made a frustrated noise when the zipper of the bodysuit got caught, and tore at it with all her strength. She needed the clothes off, _dammit_ , and she needed them gone forever. 

The offending garments were thrown angrily into the recycler and she shut herself in the bathroom, ordering the shower as hot as it would allow her to make it. Sobs wracked her body as she finally let herself feel everything she had kept bottled up in the mirror universe. Michael sank to the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest, crying until there were no tears left for her to shed.

That’s how Tilly found her twenty minutes later.

“Michael?” Came Tilly’s voice, quiet and concerned. “I have your robe and a cup of your favorite tea. Please let me in so I can help you.”

Michael’s heart ached at how thoughtful Tilly was being even though she had undoubtedly been traumatized by the whole experience as well. She pulled her legs back up to her chest again and ordered the water off before opening the door for Tilly. 

Her robe appeared around the clouded glass and she stood and took it. She wrapped herself in the soft material, allowing herself to feel comforted by its presence. The silk robes she’d had on the _ISS Shenzhou_ had been nice, sure, but nothing compared to the feeling of her own robe that she’d owned for years. She stepped out of the shower and accepted the cup of tea from Tilly.

Michael noticed how her friend’s eyes widened at the sight of the bruises around her neck, and she felt another wave of tears rise up. 

“Tyler, he—” Michael started, raising a hand to mimic how he had choked her. A sob forced its way out of her throat before she could finish, and Tilly looked horrified.

She allowed Tilly to lead her out to her bed, allowed the teacup to be removed from her hands, and allowed Tilly to lay her head gently in her lap. Michael pulled her knees close to her chest, and held steadfastly to the hand that Tilly offered her. 

“I know about Tyler.” Tilly said quietly. “But I didn’t know he tried to hurt you.”

“He wanted revenge. I was the one who killed T’Kuvma, and he wanted to avenge his Torchbearer’s death. Voq wanted to validate the sacrifice he had made” Michael took in a shaky breath. “When only the night before, Ash was touching me like I was the most beautiful thing in the universe.” 

“Michael…” Tilly’s hand squeezed hers. “God, Michael I am so sorry.”

“How do you love someone that holds the essence of someone you hate with all of your being?” She asked. “How am I supposed to forgive Tyler for something that I _know_ he would never do? How am I supposed to trust that Voq won’t come out the minute he sees me? How do I live with myself knowing that if Tyler got better, if I knew for certain that Voq was gone, that I would go back to him in a heartbeat?”

“Forgiveness doesn’t come easy, especially for someone in your situation. I know that Tyler was one of the few people on this ship who really got close to you and who you trusted, and he violated that trust in an incredibly horrific manner. I think that it’s important for you to acknowledge your feelings towards Tyler, no matter what they are, and then examine them. Pick each one up, and work through it. You know that I’m here for you every single step of the way.” Tilly leaned down to kiss Michael on the cheek. “How can I best help you right now?”

Michael was quiet for a few moments while she tried to figure out what she needed. She was more exhausted than she had ever been before in her life, and even though she wanted desperately to sleep, she didn’t know if she could without replaying the events of the mirror universe. She wished, to her confusion, that she could curl up and have Ash hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. 

She knew that she would need to spend quite a bit of time working through that particular feeling. 

“I need to meditate.” She said eventually. “But… I don’t want to be alone. Will you at least sit quietly with me while I do it?”

Tilly nodded. “Of course. I might actually try it this time, because I also am feeling very all over the place emotionally. There’s a lot happening in my head.” 

“Afterwards can we have tea and ice cream and watch old movies until we fall asleep?” Michael sat up slowly. 

“I thought you’d never ask. I have the perfect movie in mind, too.” Tilly was beaming

——————

The forgiveness process had been difficult, just as Tilly had told her it would be. Michael wrestled with everything she felt about Ash, ranging from hatred to love to everything in-between. She privately reconciled that she still loved Ash, and probably would for the rest of her life, but that at the moment, until she figured everything out, she couldn’t bear to be around him. No matter how much she wanted to. 

Because in truth, she wanted to be around him. Her heart ached for Ash, and she hated seeing him in pain. It was almost like knowing he was in pain hurt her as well. It still didn’t change the fact that it was him that hurt her, without really having been _himself._

Michael wasn’t sure what that meant, and it was clear that Tyler didn’t know what that meant either. She saw him sometimes around _Discovery_ , and noticed that he looked haunted, lost, and occasionally there was a flicker of anger in his expression. She never knew if it was Tyler feeling angry about what had gone down, or if it was Voq trying to break through again. 

He kept his distance once she made it clear that she couldn’t be around him for the time being. Not until she figured everything out. 

Now he was leaving for Q’Onos with L’Rell and it felt like her world was ending. They had kissed and it had brought everything she had been trying to let go of crashing into her and all she could do was lean into the wall for support and watch him go. His lips had been so soft, so yielding against hers, and she had immediately wanted to pull him closer and kiss him with everything she had, but she knew she couldn’t. 

She didn’t know how to handle Ash being gone. His presence had become a constant in her life, even when things were bad between them. He was still _there,_ and her body still picked up when he was near her. Her hand curled securely around the bowline he’d slipped into her hand and she placed it almost reverently in the drawer at the foot of her bed. Michael swore to herself that if she ever got the chance, she would tell Tyler that she kept it. 

There were nights that were harder than others, and she would pull out the bowline and slip it around her wrist, running her fingers along the material, and remembering the good things that had happened to them. She listed them off almost like a prayer.

Their first kiss, their first date, Ash telling her he loved her, Ash being gentle and patient when she was scared. And so many more in-between. The repetition lulled her into what passed for sleep those days, and she felt like she was connecting with him even though he was lightyears away from her.

——————

He called her unexpectedly two months after he left, and she almost didn’t pick up. Tilly was on nightshift and Michael was finding it hard to sleep for what felt like the millionth time. She had the bowline around her wrist, running through her list, and was completely lost in her thoughts. The chime startled her out of her reverie, but she went to investigate anyway. Her heart dropped into her stomach when she saw who it was, but she answered it with a shaking hand. 

His figure appeared in her room, and Michael’s first thought was that he had changed considerably. His beard and his hair were longer, he appeared more muscular than he had already been, and there was a hardened quality to his expression. She felt underdressed, and pulled her robe closer around her. His eyes followed the movement, and before either of them had even so much as said hello, Ash spoke about the bowline.

“You kept it.” He said, simply. “Do you…do you wear it often?” 

“I would never have gotten rid of it.” Michael responded. “I don’t wear it all the time. Just at night when,” She paused briefly, “When I can’t sleep.” 

A small smile appeared on Ash’s face. “I’m glad you found a good use for it.”

There was a brief pause before Ash spoke again. “I’m sorry to have bothered you, I just…I just needed to see a familiar face and I didn’t know who to call besides you.” 

Michael’s heart rate sped up. She hadn’t been sure if he was thinking about her at all since leaving for Q’Onos, and now she had her answer. He _had_ been thinking about her and just having that knowledge made her giddy with nervous energy. 

“You’re not bothering me at all, Ash.” His name felt almost foreign on her tongue after months of not saying it, but it somehow still felt as right as it had every other time she’d said it. “Tell me about how things are going on Q’Onos.”

“I can’t say too much about the political situation for obvious reasons.” He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. “But it’s been… rough. I constantly have to prove myself. I constantly have to fight, literally, for my right to be here. They don’t accept me as L’Rell’s Torchbearer, and see me as nothing but some _thing_ that she keeps to warm her bed.”

Michael felt a wave of disgust swell inside her. “Ash, I’m so sorry.”

“No it’s okay, it’s… I’m sorry to just throw that all at you.” 

She shook her head. “Please don’t apologize. I’m here to listen. It’s unfair for them to speak about you like that. You have to know that you’re much more than they say you are.” Ash nodded, but she wasn’t convinced that he really believed her. 

“Look at me,” She urged gently. He raised his eyes to meet hers. “You are valued, and you are doing important work over there. I’m sure that L’Rell appreciates your support, or she wouldn’t have you there, right?” He nodded. “Right. And I am proud of you for deciding to go there and help the Klingons. I am very aware of the sacrifices you made to go there, and I am in awe of your strength.”

“Michael…” Ash’s voice was soft, and the way he said her name sent shivers down her spine. 

“I’m serious, Ash.” She continued. “I miss you, every day. I wish you were here, but I know you’re needed over there.”

“I miss you too. I miss you like crazy, and I wish I could take back all the shitty stuff that happened between us.” It looked like there were tears welling up in his eyes.

“I do too, but all those things _did_ happen and we can’t change that. I’ve thought about it extensively and I have reconciled that I know that _you_ would never have actually hurt me. I forgive you.” And as she said it, she knew it was true. There would be bad days, of course. She was not entirely healed, but she did forgive him. “And I hope you forgive yourself, too. Because none of what happened to you was your fault.”

“I haven’t been able to forgive myself.” There was a quality of self loathing to his voice. “But I can try to make peace with what happened.”

“Good.” Michael smiled, relieved. 

When he smiled back, she thought it was the most beautiful thing she had seen in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> I love a good bowline trope. I wish they'd confirmed in the show that she'd kept it, because part of me feels like she would never have thrown it away.


End file.
